Five Tips (That You Won’t Find Anywhere Else) for Living with Others

I have several roommates and so can’t always tell who’s doing the obnoxious stuff.  The more roommates one has, the easier it is to get away with drinking the last beer or peeing on the floor—any floor. But you shouldn’t take advantage because, well, your mother probably taught you better than that. To be sure, I’ll outline the top five things that might most make you an asshole:

1.  Double-check before closing the toilet lid
I don’t want to come in and have to flush twice before I do my business. Especially because by the time I arrive, your shit has thinned out and now I can see bits of your breakfast sandwich clinging to the bowl. How do you think I feel having to sit above that? And the more times people hear me flush, the more they think I’m in there dropping a load worthy of multi-flushes. To summarize: I hate you.

2.  Don’t practice your band instrument late into the night
Yes, I know you’re working the different angle by playing the trombone instead of guitar after you smoke a bowl but, at 3 am, it’s less likely to endear others to your quirk than to inspire a full-out face-punching.

3.  Dry the bathroom floor after you bathe
When living with multiple people, it’s likely at least two folks will have similar shower schedules. Though I know it’s not true, I like to think the bathroom is waiting, just for me, to use it. I don’t want to think about anyone wiping (not disinfecting) their dribbles off the toilet seat where I sit, for example. So when my roommates leave water on the floor after showering, I hate them; they’ve ruined my imaginary pristine place and all I can think now is they’ve peed in tub and I’m about to stand in it.

4.  Don’t let your dog roam uninvited into your roommates’ rooms from which they can drag out tampons into the living room while company visits.
That’s it.

5.  If you don’t recognize the companion your roommate brings home or do but can’t remember his/her name, don’t guess.
In case you’re wrong, you may have blown a glorious opportunity for someone. Particularly if you have violated any of the preceding advice, ruining a lay will definitely get you on the eat-shit-and-die list.