They Would Never Be Caught in a Keffiyeh, Though

Posted on September 28, 2011 by

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by Alexander Brown

Longtime readers (Hi, Mom!) will recognize that I have a longstanding beef with college republicans as a whole. And it isn’t just because of their completely nonsense style of debating punctuated by Ronald Reagan quotes, the fact all of them are issued a seemingly endless supply of sweater vests upon high school graduation, or the fact they really think they can convince me socialism is Barack Obama tenderly banging my girlfriend in front of me then wiping his dick clean in my hair after finishing and giving me celebratory dap. My problem with college republicans is mostly that they are the original effete hipster caricature: whiny, pompous, and the “you’re not fooling anyone” kind of closeted gay.

Just try talking to a young republican these days and try not to imagine throwing them in a high school locker. They swear they were all listening to Ron Paul before the ’08 primaries, they throw out the names of state senators to prove they are tuned into what’s new and next on BigGovernment.com and they all think outrageous behavior for the sake of their art (think the ACORN fake pimp) is totally acceptable to live as a human being without being a complete douchebag. But all this pales in comparison to the fact that they think they are all some underrepresented minority everywhere they go that isn’t one of their pocket clubhouses on campus.

Take the instance this week of the news that campus republican group of UC Berekley decided to have a bake sale price-tiered by race “satirizing” the upcoming bill in the California legislature allowing college admission to use ethnicity as a tool in freshmen selection. Naturally college republicans think this is unfair to qualified students who would seemingly get knocked out of the running because some brown kid with a lower SAT score would get a leg up for being historically “oppressed.” Or worse, they think that because every other minority gets a shout-out, ideological considerations need to be met too. No word on whether they think US schools should give consideration to the jihadist or NAMBLA school of thought when accepting applications.

I wish ignoring them would work but as we see on the Berkley campus, they get upset and turn to the most vexing ways of getting attention, so maybe instead of looking the other way and only giving them face time when they commit rather infantile acts of bigotry, we make them into what every hipster truly wants to be—the most popular douchebag on the block; we make sure to charter all campus republican groups as fraternities.

Now every term, young, seemingly educated republicans can get noticed publicly by the school audience it so dearly craves. They can have initiates repeat lines of The Fountainhead and Bible verses with Ronnie in place of the name Jesus when they cross over (The Gipper and the Messiah are of course interchangeable terms). As an added bonus they all can chalk up all the weird Kink.com-esque homosexually-tinged rituals as a part of their initiation process, because it’s really not gay if it’s in service to ideology and only witnessed by thirty of your soon-to-be closest friends.

Of course doing this would mean they would have to actually explain their views in public forums instead of acting like victims when they are asked to clarify or think harder about their positions. I have no hope of that, the same way I have no hope that Sleigh Bells fans are to wake up one day and realize they’ve been patronizing a stripped-down plugged-in school marching band all this time. Some people need to believe that Lady Gaga is personally holding their favorite bands from breaking through just as some people really need to believe they are keeping America from being overrun from a Zulu/Aztec/Cherokee League of Diversity. And if you think that sounds crazy you should hear all the good things campus republican groups say about Herman Cain.

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