Barack Obama: F**K That N***a

Posted on August 31, 2011 by


by Alexander P. BrownApparently as a lefty liberal evil socialist who believes in things like homo marriage, abortion, progressive tax structures and the New York Times, I need to jump on the bandwagon and start hating on President Obama. So yeah, fuck that dude who leads our country during its greatest economic clusterfuck that he didn’t create, and fuck his sparkling J from downtown too, that athletic, no obesity, eating right motherfucker making the liberal old guard look old, tired, and worn from too much tofu, queer sex, fried chicken, and protest marching.

As a part of the 97% of black people who was apparently not in jail long enough so that ACORN could illegally register us to vote, I am aghast that so many of us beautiful black people are out of work and suffering under the first black president. Sure it was the straight 30 years of pseudo-Reagan tax and regulation philosophies and the hemorrhaging of blue collar jobs to Southeast Misunderstandistan that caused this employment assassination, but that all makes sense and we don’t need sense when we are angry, just volume and scowls.

Big Barry O and his mod squad of sexy, troubled, yet inordinately intelligent advisers (yeah, look straight at you, Plouffe and Jarrett) should have worked out this whole unemployment thing in like three months flat, right? He got that first hundred days grace period where all that happened was constant economic crisis, two wars in which America was unwillingly getting its salad tossed, and a horde of old white people constantly camped out in Capitol Hill demanding they get off their collective imaginary lawns through spokes-curmudgeon Glenn Beck. That all wasn’t a big deal because America’s second favorite cripple after Superman, FDR, jumped into a World War on two different fronts because he was bored with the Great Depression and race riots.

And what did this president do? Waste his load on Obamacare, which ain’t doing a thing for anyone, except making sure many of us don’t get pregnant with the new rules for women’s birth control costs, keeping me healthy cause I can still be on my parents’ insurance, and generally making the American medical industry more efficient. But this is America and we are supposed to be barefoot and pregnant, fat and sad, and be unnecessarily wasteful all the time; it’s how we know we are richer than Canada.

That doesn’t even go into the personal slights Mr. Obama has aimed towards me. He’s the first black POTUS and he has yet to give commencement at the only all black male college in the country– my school, Morehouse College. The guy acts like he did not stand on the backs of us strong black men of higher knowledge and sartorial excellence. Also, I like beer and dislike white cops, but no one has invited me to the White House to chill outside and shoot the shit with Ramblin’ Joe Biden. It’s just a beer, and the flight from DC to Atlanta on Air Force One is like a few hours tops; he’s totally got that to spare.

The guy must think he’s always gonna have my vote, like I give a crap about civic engagement outside of picketing the nearest Catholic dioceses for not allowing enough atheists to teach in their religious studies high school courses. Like everyone else in my generation and ethnicity, I voted mainly because, like Bill Clinton, I could relate to Obama’s swagger and the fact he did drugs when he was around my age and didn’t punk out like W did and go all AA.

It doesn’t really matter anyway. Despite my socialist, pinko, gay-loving, local foodie pedigree I’m still black so I’m bound to be confused this next election because clearly Herman Cain is gonna win the nomination for at least vice president. All it’ll take is for Tyler Perry to base a play, then a movie based on the play, than a TV show based on the movie of the the play around Cain to win the entire black vote, because Cain clearly is the Magic Negro for America that Obama just isn’t being.

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