All Apologies and No Sorries

Posted on August 17, 2011 by

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by B.A. Gibbs

I’m sorry, but people like former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner piss me off. Not because they masturbate behind closed doors and in the privacy of their own offices. But fucking assholes like that allowed themselves to be bullied and thrown out of office by people who don’t matter. But the thing that pisses me off the most is the public apology, shame, and guilt celebrities make.

You can do anything you want long as you release a statement acknowledging your guilt to a thousand of strangers. From ball players cheating on their wives, to news correspondents stating their prejudices, even a misunderstood tweet requires a formal statement. The guilty are excused of all blame and the media gets to have a field day speculating whether or not the disgraced will rebound. Moreover, the fact that you prepared a statement to apologize further acknowledges your dumb ass is trying to rationalize and appease your stupidity. Following, when you see these embarrassed press conferences, the victims are hardly there—the one person or party who was actually hurt.

Call me old school, but I feel if you’re truly sorry you wouldn’t have done it in the beginning. I feel like the word “sorry” was created for someone else’s benefit. Besides, sorry only really works until you are fifteen or until you realize people can do more.

I should mention, I am a practicing Catholic and Southern—so, I say sorry a little bit more often than most. However, confession is different from a regular apology: you’re taking an active step in trying to get closer to God by acknowledging you got off at the wrong path to enlightenment. Nonetheless, you are still trying to ride the Jesus Train. The idea behind confession is after you state what you have done that led you away from grace and after the priest fondles you (had to insert that one), you come up with a plan to do better—repentance if you will.

Then, being Southern, you’re either vapidly empathizing, you’re masking your true feeling of the matter, or you actually don’t know what to say, but don’t want to appear at a loss for words. Bless his heart. Either way, I think people should take a lesson from southern heritage. Don’t apologize. Express you condolences. Make a meal for someone. Go out in the community. Be creative.

But if you are going to publicly confess your guilt, at least make it entertaining and worth watching. How funny would it have been after months of speculation about Tiger’s infidelity and lack of media presence, if he had gotten on TV and said, “My bad!” Or when President Bush said there were not any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, looked the American people in the eye from the Oval, and just said “Whoops, looks like the American military just picked a bouquet of oopsy daisies.” Imagine John Edwards sulking up to the podium and saying “Have you fucked cancer pussy? How else was I supposed to bust a nut?”

Point being, if you are going to fuck up, at least own up to that shit. Either equivocate like a lawyer and flat out deny any involvement at all costs and then come up with some irrefutable argument like what is, is…or  better yet, just outright say what you did and do better from then out. Remember the Scarlet Letter stood for “able” at one point.

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