The New (Black) Girl in Town

Posted on July 20, 2011 by

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By Tristan A. Smith

The dream of equality is upon us. This idea, this concept that has been thirsted for generations by many people of all races is knocking at our door. Actually, maybe not. But I have a plan that can get us two times closer to it than we were yesterday. Tangible, visible proof that equality for Black Americans is coming.  And it only takes a small gesture to one misunderstood person. Who is that person?

This bitch. This bitch right here. The one in the photo. Casey Anthony. Forgive me for using bitch; Dave Chappelle said it makes jokes funnier. For those of you reading this article beyond the year 2011, Casey Anthony is a young mother who may or may not have murdered her young child. That doesn’t matter. Well, it matters if you’re against infanticide, but it’s not the point of this article. What matters is that after a highly sensationalized court trial, she was found not guilty of murdering said child. And that she’s white.

Immediately after the verdict, comparisons were made between Anthony and O.J. Simpson. O.J. Simpson, the most famous triple threat ever (football player, film actor, assassin). The similarities were there: Both had been convicted of a crime in the court of public opinion, both cases were a media firestorm, and white people seemed to be angriest about both miscarriages of justice. Some, including myself, asked if this meant we were even. Black guy gets away with a crime, white girl gets away with one. Eye for an eye, right? Oddly enough, crime doesn’t work that way. Also, the score is more like 5 million to 1. We got our one in O.J. and whites got theirs from the dawn of courts existing. Still though, I didn’t feel any more equal.

And then I watched The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Justin Timberlake was a recent guest and during the interview, he admitted to thinking that he was black for a good period of his life. After that much known revelation, I then flashed back to conversations I used to have at college. I went to an HBCU where everyone minors in understanding white people. And one of the concepts that kept coming up with me and my friends was the idea of black cards. Could you get your black card revoked for not being black enough? Could someone of another ethnicity earn a black card for having black attributes? These conversations were had in jest and always provided a good bit of fun as you made your case for why certain people should and should not have black cards. The thing is, even to this day I couldn’t think of any white person I’d give a black card. Bono? Maybe because of the charity. Michael McDonald? Well, he just wants it too badly. But, if you’re looking for that fun, offbeat choice with a certain je ne sais quoi who needs just a bit more flavor, then join me in awarding the next honorary black card to Casey Anthony.

There’s only one thing that would piss Nancy Grace off more than Casey Anthony getting away with murder—African-American Casey Anthony getting away with murder. But this isn’t just to piss off Nancy Grace or white people in general. This is to rack up another black person in the win column. Suddenly, that score I mentioned becomes 5 million to 2. By my count, that’s twice the equality. After that, we blacks have momentum. If we play this right, soon Nick Cannon could shoot Howie Mandel on America’s Got Talent without fear of arrest. Prisons would empty, or at least be under crowded. We need this stereotype, black people. We can like fried chicken and run fast all day. But getting away with murder in a court of law? Yes, please. This isn’t Dr. King’s dream, but dreams change. Like how you wanted to get that degree in acting but you took the one in finance. We gotta adapt. And Casey Anthony gets us there. I even know whose black card we could take and give to her—Taye Diggs’. I’m not saying Taye Diggs isn’t black, he is. We’d just be allowing white women to be attracted to him without guilt.

It wouldn’t stop with black people, either. I imagine other races could get aboard this train. Not too many, someone’s gotta have it worse. But black people and unspecified race to be named in the future — now is our time! Comedian Louis C.K. said, “[White people aren’t] just gonna fall from number 1 to 2 they’re gonna hold us down…forever.” Let’s make him right and then call it freedom. And just like the previous civil rights movement, it’ll start with one (soon-to-be) black woman from a southern town who dared to defy the man. If you don’t want Casey Anthony to be black, then you don’t want civil rights. Racist.

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