So You Want to Be a Black Republican (And Not a Punk)?

Posted on June 8, 2011 by

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by Alexander P. Brown

Michael Steele

All of a sudden, it’s becoming a trend that Black Republicans are being treated seriously by actual Republicans and not just kept as a mascot for their inclusiveness. Weird, I know. However the type of Republicans who are currently being shined on by current conservatives don’t get any respect from ethnic communities at large.

So for one of them to mount a successful state-wide or national campaign they are going to have to actually be taken credibly by everyone but the base, while still maintaining the good graces of the folks who put them on. The easiest way is to ingratiate themselves with the larger ethnic consciousness in a way that flies far below the conservative media hole. Luckily, I had this plan in my back pocket since Alan Keyes became an SNL character.

1) You’re gonna have to get your name to this community you’ve long ignored to be “colorblind.” So the best way to do this is to get aggregated on WorldStarHipHop. I don’t know how you’re gonna do that but I assume you could shoot a PSA about chicks beating each other in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Or make a bounce video. Whichever, it’ll only trend on WorldStar.

2) Since you may have to do a little image rehab with the 0.8% of black people who read TheRoot.com and watch WSHH videos you’re going to have to do a bit role as the understanding but embattled politician in the next Tyler Perry movie. Just like how half of all black folks just can’t trust Michael Beach after Soul Food you’ll be forever known for having worked to save some fictional Georgia town from becoming an I-20 lane.

3) You have to stop being politically homophobic and be reflexively homophobic. That means no more coming out in support of DOMA and showing up at NOM events. You gotta start calling folks like David Gregory and Ed Schultz a faggot when they call you on your bullshit. Also, you gotta add “no homo” when you mention you are more in touch with the American people than Barack Obama.

4) You have to align yourself with one of the medium-sized hip-hop labels and put out a mixtape. May I suggest Young Money or Black Wall Street because of the unfettered capitalistic memes of both organizations. You also may want to start a playful beef with Kanye West to get attention.

5) When it’s time for your sex scandal, don’t be caught with a dude, or a lady-dude, or someone who works Kroger’s morning shift. It’s going to have to be one of the models from a Gucci Mane video. Or Kat Stacks if you’re down with the white meat. This has the advantage of giving you pimp cred while turning all the blame on the woman for being a groupie.

Following these you’ve officially become a household name in the ethnic community while keeping your image in the greater white consciousness. You’ve gained the opportunity
to criticize the president while keeping the growing ethnic community from thinking you shill for the un-melanined.

Of course, you could’ve used the common-sense approach like acknowledging that slavery and Jim Crow happened and were bad, and that racism and anti-ethnic bias is still prevalent, that no politician solely on their ethnicity is owed their elected post, that there’s no such thing as reverse-racism against white men and that conservatives talk about reparations more than actual reparations organizations.

But hey, that would make sense and you are a Black Republican and therefore contrary by nature. Just do everything I listed before and pray white Jesus keeps you in his heart.

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